I met Captain Zant recently during an aquatic show in Spaceport, New Mexico. He edits a colossal web enterprise that goes by the name of Warped Space something or the other. He was kind enough to do an excellent review of my book, Management Decision (I included a link to it in the last sentence) available on Amazon for the price of a review if you like it. If you don’t like it, no review is required. But I digress.
The Captain actually lives in New Mexico, but because of warped space lives near the north equilateral vortex canal on eastern Mars. Yes, I know it’s a bit strange living in the western United States and eastern Mars at approximately the same instant but when you’re dealing with the Einstein theory of general relativity things tend to get a little warped. If this warped article tends to sound like SciFi, which it is definitely not, then one of us is mistaken and I assure you it is not I.
Lately, he operates a web shop dealing in extraordinary Science Fiction. More about that in a moment, but first a wee bit of historical background.
Warped Space History
It was told to me that the daring young captain took his job as a hog eye canal man warping vital war supplies to Martian colonists along the Eerily Canal of Mars because of an incident that happened aboard a RYO Corporation chartered freighter of which he was the first mate. The tragedy took place even as the Fecund, a quantum foam class juggernaut made its slow way among the stars between earth and the red planet.
The traditional song of the Martian Hog Eye man…
Cosmic forces explainable only by mathematics and physics caused microscopic bacteria normally found in common male sweaty hand glands to mutate and grow to a fantastic size in the cargo bay. Because of the lack of normal gravitational forces this particular strain of ravenous e coli infesting a shipment of chocolate cookies grew to the size of large border collies. Naturally chaos erupted aboard his normally spotless vessel.. You may recall being implanted with the news a few years ago.
Traditional spacetime ceased to exist inside the hold of the doomed Fecund as the monstrous anaerobic bacilli consumed all of the foodstuffs in the airless locker and proceeded to the galley for the rest. It was a dark, black time for the crew as the loathsome smelly creatures, not fettered by the ponderous constraints of gravity, made a regular black hole out of the refrigerator. Even spiritual services seemed to bring no relief to the moribund crew. However, thankfully all 37 crew mates, save Captain Zant himself were paraphyletic. As you know that refers to a species that erupts from a common ancestor, and in this case, the bottom feeding Retorlian fish.
A great respecter of marine life, never the less, the intrepid captain had his duty to fulfill. But recall, at the time he was but the first mate. He only succeeded to captain after consuming his Retorlian shipmates in a variety of ways, fried, baked, steamed, and as sushi. By the end of the unlucky voyage he was captain by common declaration, as there were no other living shipmates.
A board of inquiry was called by the admiralty on the planet Mars and finding no holes in his story vindicated him about five minutes after he docked the empty freighter with the orbiting warehouse high above the planet. Finding in his favor, because of the emergency food situation, he was released, retaining the rank of captain. The ship deadheaded back to Terra on autopilot, for the RYO Corporation would not certify him to steam her back single handed because there were no Retorlian merchant marines from Mars that would sign the necessary papers to ship out with him.
Thus, becoming stranded he took the job as the captain of a Martian hog eye canal vessel which afforded him not only money, but incidental sustenance as well, for the canals are loaded with tasty fish and other delicious aquatic life. The song featured above is a traditional and hearty Martian sea shanty sung by blue water sailors regaling the prowess of the brave hog eye men.
Warped Space Website
But, back to the Cap’s excellent website, Warped Space. After the war he booked passage on a passing galactic crab boat back to earth, and then found himself right back on Mars because of the spacetime anomalies afore mentioned. Regardless, I met up with him and he explained how he is working to make a better world through science fiction, sci fi news, posts, blogs, reviews, and other original content. He related that he also features and promotes many indie sci fi projects and that he runs a Youtube channel with lots of films, an indie sci fi, fan series, shorts, conventions, and even a weekly show about cetacean recipes. He favors the Martian style of cooking with the heat ray, by the way.
Asked if he minds being in two places at once because of the sinister warping of space caused by galactic warming, he demurred. “Honestly,” he said, “I much prefer to be fishing to the space time commute.”
If he ever quits his current space and gets back to planet earth, I swear I’m going to have him over to THE COWCHIP CAFE (Available right here for a small tuppence) for some real food, namely a cheeseburger with a triple order of hash browns to wean him away from his warped and fishy ways!